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Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #30 – August 06, 2007, 02:21:47 PM

Clean can be funny

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very shagy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do
anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway,
and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
lungs," Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach
stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always
right, and the other is a husband.

*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician
showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can
you read this?' the

optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to
them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent.' Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of
chardonnay.
********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her
husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he
said, 'CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO
MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE
are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I
said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are
you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife
stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know
how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to
show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the
Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his
hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third
day, the Army
issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #31 – August 06, 2007, 03:05:35 PM

Chilli Cookoff

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shiznit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shiznit-faced from all the beer.

Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something sing across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shiznit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shiznit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #32 – August 06, 2007, 09:29:31 PM

whats grosser than a hickey on a hemorrhoid?

the guy that put it there.

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #33 – October 27, 2007, 04:58:22 PM

A blonde wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a handyman- type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?" he replied. The blonde said "How about $50.00 ?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder were in the garage. The man's wife inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes, the blond answered and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats". Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.00 "and by the way the blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari

Help the Rabbi

Reply #34 – October 27, 2007, 05:01:26 PM

A rabbi gets in front of his congregation and says that he is leaving to go to a larger congregation that can pay him more.

There is a hush—no one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a minivan to transport their children!" The congregation applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay, I'll personally double his salary, and also will establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" The congregation cheers again.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him shag!" There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead in the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.'":tg:

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #35 – October 27, 2007, 05:04:52 PM

Birthday Present
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be ed if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #36 – October 27, 2007, 06:13:56 PM

A rabi, a bishop and a baptist minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #37 – November 13, 2007, 05:22:41 PM

Hunting Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #38 – November 13, 2007, 09:40:37 PM

Why men don't write advice columns...

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs.. Sheila Usk
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.

Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #39 – November 13, 2007, 09:42:41 PM

Good thing none of our vehicles have carbs

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #40 – November 13, 2007, 09:43:33 PM

Careful...you'll be in the doghouse before you even get here!

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #41 – November 13, 2007, 11:40:32 PM

Two guys walk into a bar. Third guy ducks.

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #42 – November 14, 2007, 12:05:53 AM

One pleasant afternoon, a Priest and a Nun were out golfing. The father deferred to the Nun on the first hole, and she hit a nice ball towards the green. The Father tees up, then smacks the ball into the woods.

"Oh, F&!$!!, I MISSED!" he cries.

"Father!" says the Nun, "You should watch your language. The Lord will not like it."

The second hole comes up. The father tees off, and the ball once again goes sailing into the woods.

"Oh, F$#&!!, I MISSED!" he cries.

"Father!" says the Nun, "Watch what you say! It is Blasphemy!"

On the third hole, the father again tees up his ball. Once again, the ball sails wide, this time landing in the water hazard.

"Oh, F@$#!!, I MISSED!" he cries.

As the Nun starts to speak, a great bolt of lightning sails down from the sky and strikes the Nun, reducing her to ash.

From the sky comes a booming voice: "Oh, F@$#!!, I MISSED!"

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #43 – November 14, 2007, 12:29:45 AM

A black guy, a mexican, and a white guy are all walking down a beach in Miami when they come upon a magic lamp. A genie pops out and grants each man one wish. The black guy says "I wish I was back in Africa, happy, with all of my people." With a poof the man was gone. The mexican's wish was similar: "I wish I was back in Mexico, happy, with all of my people." Again, with a poof, the mexican disappears. The white man thinks for a moment and asks the genie, "Do you mean to tell me that all the blacks and mexicans are out of America?" "Yea, I guess so," the genie replies.

"Well then I'll have a pen 15e."

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #44 – November 14, 2007, 01:41:11 AM

Once upon a time, in a place far from here, a team of construction workers were building a highway through a desert.

They came upon a pole sticking out of the ground with a lever, and a sign that said: "Don't touch lever or the planet will explode."

They built a curve around the pole and kept on building, finally completing it.

Many years later, a man named Nathan was driving about 120mph down the highway, when he came to the curve around that pole...he swerved, lost control, and crashed.

Moral of the story: Better Nate than lever.