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Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #15 – June 23, 2007, 02:34:45 AM

Frank graduated first in his class as a very bright engineer.

He designed and help oversee the building of a bridge that everyone said could not be built.

But do they call him Frank the bridge builder? NO.

He design a ship that could carry more cargo, go faster, and got better fuel mileage than anybody ever thought possible.

But do they call him Frank the ship builder? NO

He designed one of the best passenger airplanes in the world.

But do they call him Frank the plane builder? NO

But suck one little pen 15 …

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #16 – June 23, 2007, 02:37:24 AM

I had a dream last night that I died and went to Heaven. As I stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks. I asked St. Peter, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Sin-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Sin-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", I said. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never Sinned."

"Incredible, and whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told sin twice in his entire life."

And sure enough I looked around and all the people I knew were there; my wife, my coworkers, relatives, and friends; some moved more than others.

But there was one clock I did not see and I asked "Where's 84 Fila's clock?"

And St Peter replied

"84 Fila's clock is in Jesus' office... He's using it as a fan!

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #17 – June 23, 2007, 04:21:29 AM

OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNN

Your gonna need some Aloe Vera. lol. Ive heard that but it was Clinton, not Mikey lol.

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #18 – June 23, 2007, 08:05:02 AM

Ok here we go.
There is this indian boy that wants to become a man. In his tribe you have to get laid to become a man. So he heads into the local town and finds the Whouse. He goes inside and talks to the madam. She asked" have you ever done this before? He told her that he had not. So being nice and wanting her customer to get his moneys worth she took him out back and showed him a hole in a tree. She tells him" Practice with this hole today and come back tomorrow and I fix you up with a lady" "Ok" said the indian. So he went to work with his practice. He comes back the next day and says" Me need woman to get laid so I become MAN" So the madam asked him if he practiced. He told her "YES" So she sent him to the top of the stairs the 1st door on the right. The Indian goes up the stairs and into the room. Within 2-3mins the madam heres all sorts of crying and screaming from her lady. So she runs up the stairs and into the room she sent the indian into. There he is with the hooker bent over his knee smacking her ass over and over. The whole time the hooker is screaming "NO STOP, NO STOP" The Madam Starts yelling at him" What do you think you are doing?" The Indian reply's 'ME CHECK FOR BEE'S!"

I thought that was a funny one.

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #19 – June 23, 2007, 12:41:42 PM

NICE!!!! And who burned me.... it was a bit harsh but badass none the less

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #20 – June 23, 2007, 07:39:19 PM

I know, im just ****in around.

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #21 – June 24, 2007, 12:10:39 AM

Prepare to be Pun-ished

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Circumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

* A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A -flat miner.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

* A calendar’s days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those that gets too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

(Fila runs for cover from the angry mob)

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #22 – June 24, 2007, 04:22:08 AM

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?

Because she was a woman.

Did you know Helen Keller had a Dollhouse?

Neither did she.

Im not shagist, but they are kinda funny.

I aint touching it

Reply #23 – June 25, 2007, 06:21:57 PM

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my pen 15" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans pen 15. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

3 men in hell

Reply #24 – June 25, 2007, 06:24:10 PM

3 men went to hell.

The devil said to them You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shiznit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

Grandmas don't know everything

Reply #25 – June 26, 2007, 12:42:13 AM

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth "It's called shagual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called shagual intercourse It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

Yankees baseball game

Reply #26 – June 26, 2007, 12:43:49 AM

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee season opener sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.

At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head. The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy. "

Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people want."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming! "I'll kill you! You Mother *%$%**!!!."

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

Bill leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, Bill asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first 'Pitch'

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #27 – July 02, 2007, 01:06:35 PM

A chicken, a horse, and a harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom were best friends and loved to play together. One day as the two were playing the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail. The farmer had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s Harley, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and when the farmer returned he was none the wiser. The friendship between the two animals was cemented forever: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment - then walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “crank” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a harley to pick up chicks!

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #28 – July 03, 2007, 01:47:44 AM

Two brothers were opening gifts on Christmas Day. The younger brother had 20 presents, and the older only 1.

The younger brother points at his brother laughing and says, "haha you only have 1 present"

The older brother points at his brother laughing and says, "HAHA you have cancer"

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #29 – July 03, 2007, 03:22:37 AM

I can't belive how wrong that is....... it's funny as hell though