Joke Thread.....NSFW Reply #75 – January 21, 2008, 12:09:42 PM When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins! Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized '. Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.' HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS! Quote Selected
Joke Thread.....NSFW Reply #76 – January 25, 2008, 03:15:52 PM A Guys New Weight Loss ProgramA guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands beforehim a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, shagy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around herneck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is inexcellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.He decides to go for broke and calls the company toorder the 7-day/50 pound program."Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone."This is our most rigorous program.""Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years."The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine."He lost 63 pounds that week. Quote Selected
Joke Thread.....NSFW Reply #77 – January 31, 2008, 11:13:45 AM A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."MALE PROCEDURE1. Drive up to the cash machine.2. Put down your car window.3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.6. Put window up.7. Drive off.FEMALE PROCEDURE1. Drive up to cash machine.2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.3. Set parking brake, put the window down.4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.6. Attempt to insert card into machine.7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.8. Insert card.9. Re-insert card the right way.10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.11. Enter PIN.12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.13. Enter amount of cash required.14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.15. Retrieve cash and receipt.16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.18. Re-check makeup.19. Drive forward 2 feet.20. Reverse back to cash machine.21. Retrieve card.22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.25. Redial person on cell phone.26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.27. Release Parking Brake. Quote Selected
Joke Thread.....NSFW Reply #78 – February 16, 2008, 01:12:36 PM 0 to 200 in 6 seconds Bob was in trouble as he'd forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was extremely upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. Quote Selected
Joke Thread.....NSFW Reply #79 – February 16, 2008, 01:17:38 PM What sound does a piggy make?Ok. Theres this teacher right? She likes asking her students stupid questions. Stupid questions like...Jhonny what sound does a cow make? (Jhonny) Moo Moo!Kristin what sound does a sheep make? (Kristin) Baah?Thats right Kristin!Tommy what sound does a chicken make? (Tommy) Cluck cluck!Okay Tommy... What sound does a Pig make? (Tommy) FREEZE! Quote Selected
Topic: Joke Thread.....NSFW (Read 7240 times)
previous topic - next topic
