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Topic: Joke Thread.....NSFW (Read 7251 times) previous topic - next topic

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007

Reply #60 – November 30, 2007, 11:35:13 AM

Crack Found on
Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went
Wrong in Jet Crash,
Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of
Debris around Urb-hole?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes
Over
[What a guy!]

Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting
Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for
Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled
Quickly, It May Last
Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London )
Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By
Lightning: Faces
Battery Charge
[he probably IS
The battery charge!]

Astronaut Takes
Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make
Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued
by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds
Dead

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #61 – November 30, 2007, 12:04:55 PM

Do NOT lose your grand kids in the Mall!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Coor's Lite, Well Done Steak, and women with big s."

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #62 – November 30, 2007, 02:19:51 PM

Quote

Is There a Ring of
Debris around Urb-hole?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

:hick:

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #63 – December 11, 2007, 03:43:16 PM

The Poor Tailor and the French Restaurant

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."

Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"

Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #64 – December 11, 2007, 03:45:36 PM

Fart Football +

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #65 – December 11, 2007, 04:01:03 PM

Quote from: cougar1car;192229

The Poor Tailor and the French Restaurant

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."

Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"

Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

its good. I like it.

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #66 – December 11, 2007, 10:39:57 PM

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a Bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The
cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic Patronizing smirk
we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm
late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a an00s stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A an00s stretcher? And just what does a
an00s stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked "You give
him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #67 – December 11, 2007, 11:11:41 PM

The CIA decides that they're getting a little short on field agents, so they start a recruiting campaign. On the first day, three men come in to apply.

They put the three through the standard battery of tests -- physical, mental, psychological, etc. They test their reflexes, ability to think quickly, to think on their feet, to deal with surprise or stress, etc. No test is spared on these men.

Then a final test awaits. The man training them stands outside a closed door and calls the first applicant in.

He hands him a loaded gun. "We're very impressed with your results, and this is the last test you need to pass. Inside that room is your wife. I need you to go in there and shoot her. If you can handle that, we'll approve your application."

"What? I can't kill my wife!" Applicant #1 says, backing away.

"I'm sorry to hear that, but in that case, we can't accept your application." The trainer walks applicant #1 out.

When he calls applicant #2 in and gives the same spiel, he gets much the same response:

"I can't kill my wife; I love my wife!"

The trainer walks applicant #2 out.

He calls applicant #3 in, explains the situation, and awaits his response.

The man looks at him funny, but takes the gun. He opens the door, walks inside, and closes it.

Several muted gunshots ensue. Silence follows, but only for a moment.

Crash! Boom! Smash!

Loud crashes come from behind the door, and possibly sounds of furniture splintering.

Then silence returns, for quite some time.

The door finally opens, and the applicant returns. He hands the trainer the gun.

"That gun you gave me was filled with blanks. I had to choke the bitch!"

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #68 – December 12, 2007, 07:02:46 PM

I never quite figured out why the shagual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing shagual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited antition, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having shag tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #69 – January 17, 2008, 03:34:34 PM

Redneck Medical Terms

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat Scan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
an00s......................Darn near killed him.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #70 – January 19, 2008, 04:05:19 PM

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a
primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the Illustrious Rev. Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
'I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al, "That's what
we would call a great loss." The room Goes silent. No other children
volunteered.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises His hand. In
a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be
a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #71 – January 19, 2008, 04:07:05 PM

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

O! lder Wo man: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murd! ered th e owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.

The officer examines the license He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.:D

Finally, The Blonde Joke To End All Blonde Jokes

Reply #72 – January 19, 2008, 04:10:48 PM

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed........
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #73 – January 19, 2008, 04:45:50 PM

chelsy clinton was meeting with some high school students. she finally got around to asking questions the 1st person she picked she asked ' what are your biggest fears for our country the student replied osoma, obahma and your momma

Joke Thread.....NSFW

Reply #74 – January 21, 2008, 12:09:17 PM

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I
owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article
from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein
you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six
(6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer