Chuck Norris November 18, 2005, 02:54:47 PM Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. When Chuck Norris has shag with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Chuck Norris only spank the monkeys to pictures of Chuck Norris. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisp00ge, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull Quote Selected
Chuck Norris Reply #1 – November 18, 2005, 03:00:48 PM please, step back from the carb cleaner sir!:screwy: Quote Selected
Chuck Norris Reply #2 – November 18, 2005, 03:31:23 PM Quote from: motormenaceplease, step back from the carb cleaner sir!:screwy:I second that. Quote Selected
Chuck Norris Reply #4 – November 18, 2005, 03:50:30 PM hears one about vin diesel some of these are actualy kinda funny, expecialy if you put your name or do a mad libs thing lol.1) Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.2) If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."3) There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.4) When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.5) Even Vin Diesel doesn't know why no fact has a rating of 9 or above.6) There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. **** you, team.7) In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself. Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.9) Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULL****!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.10) Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.11) Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.12) Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.13) Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.14) When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.15) Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.16) When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy ! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had shag with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.17) If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.18) Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.19) Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.20) Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.21) It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.22) Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****.23) On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.24) When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.25) In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.26) Vin Diesel can divide by zero.27) Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of him to grow.28) Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for cooches!" at the Acrtic researchers.29) You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.30) During a stay at Neverland Ranch in the 80's, Vin Diesel was awoken by Michael Jackson who was trying to sneak into his bed. Vin punched Jackson so hard that he knocked the black right off of him. Quote Selected
Chuck Norris Reply #5 – November 18, 2005, 04:01:30 PM ok the Vin one is better than the norris Quote Selected
Chuck Norris Reply #6 – November 18, 2005, 04:11:01 PM Liked the Chuck one better. Can't stand Vin Diesel. Quote Selected
Chuck Norris Reply #7 – November 18, 2005, 04:47:10 PM i can't remember the site, but there is a whole site for vin desiel. prolly for chuck norris too. funny stuff either way. Quote Selected
Chuck Norris Reply #9 – November 18, 2005, 07:50:16 PM Hmmmmmmmmmm...................... Quote Selected
Chuck Norris Reply #10 – November 19, 2005, 12:26:59 AM Well if Norris, And diesiel. can do it then i guess it is pointless saying that Opie and Anthony stuck girls in a 55 gallon drum, and allegedly had a couple have shag in a church for shag for Sam 3, but then again, i guess Hoo Hoo invented the earth, tell em fred Quote Selected
Chuck Norris Reply #11 – November 19, 2005, 09:12:01 AM " Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red bull" I know this to be true. Quote Selected
Chuck Norris Reply #12 – November 21, 2005, 11:52:12 AM Quote from: WarnerRobbinsWell if Norris, And diesiel. can do it then i guess it is pointless saying that Opie and Anthony stuck girls in a 55 gallon drum, and allegedly had a couple have shag in a church for shag for Sam 3, but then again, i guess Hoo Hoo invented the earth, tell em fred:wtf:*head explodes* Quote Selected
Chuck Norris Reply #13 – November 21, 2005, 11:01:55 PM Now I dont laugh at the computer very often, but the Chuck Norris thing was HILARIOUS! Quote Selected
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