Jokes just for kicks

Topic: Jokes just for kicks (Read 2026 times) previous topic - next topic

Jokes just for kicks

May 15, 2013, 03:00:19 AM

Lets all contribute to this "joke thread" to help lighten the mood a little. Keep it clean! :)

I'll start...

A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, "Who's the strongest in here?"

The toughest guy looks at him and says, "I'm the strongest around here!"

The other guy politely asks, "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

:rollin:

Jokes just for kicks

Reply #1 – May 15, 2013, 08:14:23 AM

why did the dog run out of the woods

for the first time in his life he saw a bark

Jokes just for kicks

Reply #2 – May 15, 2013, 08:15:06 AM

what did the cane say to the crutch

Im Hooked

Jokes just for kicks

Reply #3 – May 15, 2013, 08:16:01 AM

what is a cobar R's favorite animal

a Wheeldabeast

Jokes just for kicks

Reply #4 – May 15, 2013, 08:17:22 AM

what is a wood 4x4's dream job

to work at a post office

Jokes just for kicks

Reply #5 – May 15, 2013, 08:24:30 AM

why are trees so sad

becaue everyone they know always "leaves"

Jokes just for kicks

Reply #6 – May 15, 2013, 09:05:31 AM

good ones!! hahaha!!! :)

Jokes just for kicks

Reply #7 – May 15, 2013, 10:59:18 AM

An extremely obese woman shows up at her doctor's office and claims that
she has tried every possible way to lose weight, to no avail. She further
advises that her husband won't make love to her any more and her friends
make fun of her. That everywhere she goes they tease her and that she can't
take it any more. So the doctor proposes a a radical diet, rectal feeding.

Reassuring the woman that she won't starve to death, the doctor explains
that she can actually take in enough nutrients through the rectal walls to
sustain life. But that she's sure to lose weight in the process.

Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment, and
she's down from 360lbs. to a trim 110lbs. At first the doctor asks his
nurse who is that beautiful lady in the waiting area?. The nurse reminds
the doctor of the lady with the special diet. The doctor show the patient
into the exam room and notices that she is bouncing up and down and side to
side quite energetically. So the doctor asks how was she doing the patient
replies "I'm feeling great, doc, never felt better"

"In that case, why are you bouncing up and down and side to side?"

The patient replies, "Oh!, nothing doc, I'm just chewing gum".

Jokes just for kicks

Reply #8 – May 15, 2013, 11:04:28 AM

Three cowboys - one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other from Texas are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."

The guy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested. "Why, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"

The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his manhood.

Jokes just for kicks

Reply #9 – May 15, 2013, 11:07:23 AM

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink his evening".

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Jokes just for kicks

Reply #10 – May 15, 2013, 11:58:02 AM

Jokes just for kicks

Reply #11 – May 15, 2013, 02:03:23 PM

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had shag with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

I have this huge word doc an old boss of mine left me, must have 4000 jokes in it like this.

Jokes just for kicks

Reply #12 – May 15, 2013, 02:46:10 PM

Teenage driver to his Father:

Since I now have my drivers license how about we discuss the usage of your car ?

Dad: Well okay but first we have to take care of 3 rules you need to comply with.

1) Bring your grade point up from a "C" average to a B.
2) Start reading the bible a little at a time.
3) Must importantly get a haircut.

Son to father says I can live with that

6 weeks goes by and the father goes to his son...

I see you have met 2 of the agreed rules but #3 has not taken place yet.

son says: I can't see why I have to get a haircut after reading the bible there were 3 important people that had long hair...Sampson , John the baptist and most of all Jesus.

Dad reply's: Yes they were all very popular and though they all had long hair they also walked their entire lives.

Jokes just for kicks

Reply #13 – May 15, 2013, 03:36:17 PM

A man and his wife are on their way home. As the man was driving he passes a cop parked on the side of the road. The police officer notices that he is speeding and pulls him over. The officer signals him to open his window and so the man does. The officer asks the man if he knew that he was speeding? The man said "no sir I was driving the speed limit", that's when his wife said "no you weren't, you were driving 20 over". The man barked at his wife and said "SHUT UP, NOBODY"S TALKING TO YOU!" The officer (startled a little by the man's response) then told the man that when he pulled him over, he noticed that he was fighting to get his seat belt on and was not wearing it earlier. The man then said " no sir I had it on the whole time". That's when the man's wife said " no you were not, the officer is right". Then the man turned to his wife again and barked "LISTEN YOU STUPID WOMAN, I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE H*LL UP!" At that point the officer went over to the woman's side and motioned for her to open her window, which she did. The officer then leaned over and asked her "excuse me, but does your husband always talk to you like that?" The woman smiling at the officer said "Oh, of coarse not officer, only when he's been drinking".

Jokes just for kicks

Reply #14 – May 15, 2013, 04:18:23 PM

Near the end of their racing careers, a Ford and a Chevrolet made a pact. The first one to reach racing heaven would let the other know if heaven even had car racing.

As luck would have it, the Chevrolet was demolished in a fiery wreck. A few days later, it revealed itself to the Ford in a vision. "I have some good news and some bad news," the Chevy told the Ford. "The good news is that heaven is crazy about auto racing. They have everything here--NASCAR, Indy cars, Formula 1, you name it."

"So what's the bad news?" the Ford asked the deceased Chevrolet.

"The bad news is that you've won the pole position for next Saturday's race."