joke

Topic: joke (Read 1853 times) previous topic - next topic

joke

May 08, 2005, 11:48:20 AM

American , french and canadian guys are in a boat stranded. The boat starts to sink because of all the stuff each brought along.

Its agreed that things brought must go to lighten the load in the boat so.........

the american throws out his computer and says "we've got too much of those in our country anyway"

the frenchman throws out a bunch of wine and says "we've got too much of those in our country anyway"

the canadian throws out the frenchman and says "we've got too much of those in our country anyway"

Re: joke

Reply #1 – May 08, 2005, 11:56:50 AM

Funny you should post that. My mother got this joke in an Email a couple days ago:

Quote

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"

Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New Yorker out.

The amusing thing is, my aunt sent this to my mother.. and both of them were born in (western) New York.. and are both living in Florida. :D

Re: joke

Reply #2 – May 08, 2005, 12:08:19 PM

That's funny. Both are great.

Re: joke

Reply #3 – May 08, 2005, 12:20:05 PM

Borrowed from another forum, since we're doin' jokes today:

Quote

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the truck driver says. "I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison."

Re: joke

Reply #4 – May 08, 2005, 12:32:33 PM

ha ha ha ha both are funny as hell

Re: joke

Reply #5 – May 08, 2005, 01:52:06 PM

All jokes offend me.

Re: joke

Reply #6 – May 08, 2005, 02:17:56 PM

You being offended offends me. :p

Re: joke

Reply #7 – May 08, 2005, 03:17:13 PM

hmmmm bar jokes......

these two men were sitting in a bar, drunk, on man says to the other man "I will give you $100 if you jump out the window and live" he jumps out the window.....and lives the man offered the other man $100 to jump out of the window.......he does, and dies
the bartender says "Superman stop f*cking with the customers"

Re: joke

Reply #8 – May 08, 2005, 05:04:37 PM

I like the first one. Very Funny!

Re: joke

Reply #9 – May 08, 2005, 05:05:43 PM

This guy goes into a bar and sees a horse sitting over in the corner. He asks the bartender "What's with the horse"?

"The first person that can make that horse laugh wins $1000", says the bartender. The guy gets up, goes over to the horse, whispers something in its ear, and the horse falls to the ground laughing. The guy collects his $1000 and leaves.

A month later the same guy goes in and sees the same horse. "This time", says the bartender, "It's harder. Now you gotta make him cry!"

The guy walks over and moments later the horse breaks down bawling his eyes out. The guy collects his $1000 and is just about to leave when the bartender says "Hold it! Aren't you gonna tell us how you did it??"

"Well", the guy says, "the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his. The second time, I proved it".

If I offend you too bad :P

Reply #10 – May 08, 2005, 05:36:07 PM

An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey. "Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.

An indian swaggers in and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey—is that God’s Boy down there?" The bartender nods, so the redneck orders Him a bottle of beer.

As Jesus gets up to leave, He touches the Irishman and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman jumps up and dances a jig.

Then Jesus touches the Italian and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian’s humpback straightens, and he does a flip.

Just then the indian yells, "Don’t touch me! I’m drawing disability!"

Re: joke

Reply #11 – May 08, 2005, 06:27:55 PM

This old cowboy rides his horse up to the saloon, and when he dismounts he walks around to the back of the horse, flips its tail aside, and *SMACK*, kisses the horse right on the pucker. He goes into the saloon, where the barkeep had been watching the whole thing.

"Old man", he said, "I've been around a long time and I've never seen anything like that in my life! Why did you do that?!?"

"Chapped lips", the old guy replied.

"Really? Chapped lips? Does that really cure them?"

"I dunno about curing it, but it sure as hell stops you from licking 'em!"

Re: joke

Reply #12 – May 15, 2005, 08:44:03 PM

Thread back from the ded!

Quote

A father, passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that the bed was made and everything picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up approximately on the centre of the bed. It was addressed, "DAD".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read from the letter with trembling hands:

"Dear Dad
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice, even with all her piercings, tatoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Barbara said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stach of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have more children with me and that's one of my dreams too. Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for Aids so Barbara can bet better; She sure deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
John

P.S. Dad, none of this is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk, center drawer. I Love You. Call when it's safe for me to come home."