Lets all contribute to this "joke thread" to help lighten the mood a little. Keep it clean! :)
I'll start...
A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, "Who's the strongest in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says, "I'm the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks, "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
:rollin:
why did the dog run out of the woods
for the first time in his life he saw a bark
what did the cane say to the crutch
Im Hooked
what is a cobar R's favorite animal
a Wheeldabeast
what is a wood 4x4's dream job
to work at a post office
why are trees so sad
becaue everyone they know always "leaves"
good ones!! hahaha!!! :)
An extremely obese woman shows up at her doctor's office and claims that
she has tried every possible way to lose weight, to no avail. She further
advises that her husband won't make love to her any more and her friends
make fun of her. That everywhere she goes they tease her and that she can't
take it any more. So the doctor proposes a a radical diet, rectal feeding.
Reassuring the woman that she won't starve to death, the doctor explains
that she can actually take in enough nutrients through the rectal walls to
sustain life. But that she's sure to lose weight in the process.
Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment, and
she's down from 360lbs. to a trim 110lbs. At first the doctor asks his
nurse who is that beautiful lady in the waiting area?. The nurse reminds
the doctor of the lady with the special diet. The doctor show the patient
into the exam room and notices that she is bouncing up and down and side to
side quite energetically. So the doctor asks how was she doing the patient
replies "I'm feeling great, doc, never felt better"
"In that case, why are you bouncing up and down and side to side?"
The patient replies, "Oh!, nothing doc, I'm just chewing gum".
Three cowboys - one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other from Texas are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."
The guy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested. "Why, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"
The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his manhood.
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink his evening".
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
:rollin::laughing::rollin::laughing::bowdown:
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had shag with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
I have this huge word doc an old boss of mine left me, must have 4000 jokes in it like this.
Teenage driver to his Father:
Since I now have my drivers license how about we discuss the usage of your car ?
Dad: Well okay but first we have to take care of 3 rules you need to comply with.
1) Bring your grade point up from a "C" average to a B.
2) Start reading the bible a little at a time.
3) Must importantly get a haircut.
Son to father says I can live with that
6 weeks goes by and the father goes to his son...
I see you have met 2 of the agreed rules but #3 has not taken place yet.
son says: I can't see why I have to get a haircut after reading the bible there were 3 important people that had long hair...Sampson , John the baptist and most of all Jesus.
Dad reply's: Yes they were all very popular and though they all had long hair they also walked their entire lives.
A man and his wife are on their way home. As the man was driving he passes a cop parked on the side of the road. The police officer notices that he is speeding and pulls him over. The officer signals him to open his window and so the man does. The officer asks the man if he knew that he was speeding? The man said "no sir I was driving the speed limit", that's when his wife said "no you weren't, you were driving 20 over". The man barked at his wife and said "SHUT UP, NOBODY"S TALKING TO YOU!" The officer (startled a little by the man's response) then told the man that when he pulled him over, he noticed that he was fighting to get his seat belt on and was not wearing it earlier. The man then said " no sir I had it on the whole time". That's when the man's wife said " no you were not, the officer is right". Then the man turned to his wife again and barked "LISTEN YOU STUPID WOMAN, I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE H*LL UP!" At that point the officer went over to the woman's side and motioned for her to open her window, which she did. The officer then leaned over and asked her "excuse me, but does your husband always talk to you like that?" The woman smiling at the officer said "Oh, of coarse not officer, only when he's been drinking".
Near the end of their racing careers, a Ford and a Chevrolet made a pact. The first one to reach racing heaven would let the other know if heaven even had car racing.
As luck would have it, the Chevrolet was demolished in a fiery wreck. A few days later, it revealed itself to the Ford in a vision. "I have some good news and some bad news," the Chevy told the Ford. "The good news is that heaven is crazy about auto racing. They have everything here--NASCAR, Indy cars, Formula 1, you name it."
"So what's the bad news?" the Ford asked the deceased Chevrolet.
"The bad news is that you've won the pole position for next Saturday's race."
A not-too-bright but beautiful blonde was driving home one night when she was caught in a terrible storm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls, and her car was dented badly.
Next day at the auto shop, a repairman decided to have a little fun at her expense. "To fix the dents in the body," he said, "drive home, park the car, and when the tailpipe is cool, get down on your knees and blow really hard into the tailpipe, and the dents will pop out.
Later, a girlfriend of the blonde is driving by and sees her friend on her knees, blowing hard into the tailpipe. She asks what's going on and is told the story. The girlfriend laughs. "Well, duhhh! You need to roll up the windows first, silly!"
IROC:
Italian Retard Out Cruising
Ignorant Redneck Owns Car
I Race Only Civics
I’m a Retard Out Cruising
I Reak of Cologne
I Race On Credit
I Race Only Children
Idiot Runs Over Cats
It’s Really Only a Camaro
I Run Over Children
I’m Really Out of Cash
Idiot Running On pen 15e
I Really Own
Incredibly Ragged Out
could go on and on here :).....
HONDA:
Horribly Overpriced, Needing Dad’s Assistance
Hallmark of Non-Descript Automobiles
Helping Out Nips Destroying America
Hand Over Dollars to Asians
Had Overhauled Nine Days Ago
Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything
Had One, Never Did Again
History of No Dramatic Acceleration
Hold Overs Not Doing Anything
Honda Options: No Deal Available!
Hugely Obnoxious Nuclear Driving Accident
Had One, Never Do-that Again
How Odd, No Acceleration
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
Highly Overpriced Non-Domestic Automobile
CHEVROLET:
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheap Heap Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
py Hot-Running Engines, Very Rusted Out, Lose Every Time
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cant Have Every Vehicle Race On Last Every Time
Cracked Heads Every Valve Rattles Oil Leaks Every Time
Cheap Heaps Erratically Vibrate Running On Level Even Terrain
Can Hear Every Valve Rattle Over Loud Engine Tapping
Can’t Help Every Valve Rattles Or Leaks Every Time!
Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle, Or Loud Engine Ticks
Cheap Hastily Engineered Vehicle Running On Luck Every Time
Cheap Hazardous Expensive Vehicle Runs On Luck Every Time
Can hear every valve rattle, oil leaks every time
Clutch Hangs, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time.
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
Check Heads Every Valve Rattles Or Leaks Every Time
Cracked Heads, Every Valve’s Rotten, Oil Leaks Every Time
Heap Enormously Vulnerable Runs On Luck Every Time
GM:
Generally Malfunctions
Grossly Misconceived
G*d-D@mn Mess
Genital Motors
Getting Malignant
General Maintenance
Give More
Grungy Merchandise
Garbage Motors
General Malpratice
Generally Miserable
Generally Misunderstood
Get a Mopar!
General Mistakes
Great Mistake
CADILLAC:
Crazy Aunt Drives It Like A Lunatic Across the Country
Company Asking Dealers If Local Lawyers Are Calling
Company Always Denies Its Lawful Liability After Collisions
Car And Driver Indicates Lady Luck Abandoned Consumer
Cars Are Driven In Long Lines And Crashed
CAMARO:
py American Machine Always Requires Oil
Cash Always Miniscule After Retail Overpricing
Calling All Mechanics – Another Required Overhaul
Can A Mechanic Actually Repair One??
Can’t America Make A Real One?
PONTIAC
Poor Old Ni**** Thinks It’s A Cadillac
Puts Out Noxious Toxins In All Cities
People On Narcotics Think It’s A Chevy
Poor Old Nitwit Thinks Its A Cadillac
Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car
KIA:
Keep Inside Asia
Killer Implosion Awaits
KOREAN INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT
Krap in Action
Killed In Assembly
Kills In Accidents
Killed In Accident
Keep It Away!
Korea’s Incompetence Amazing
Killed In Action
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam!
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire
proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so
someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though
there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They
drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames.
The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying
water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire,
breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and
so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer
fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department
planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is
get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
A few years ago while driving my semi across Wyoming, I was climbing this small hill and being fully loaded, I was was past by a Schnieder truck. That in itself is embarrassing. So when he was far enough ahead, I flashed my lights signaling him it was ok to move back into the lane ahead of me. With his turn signal still on, he moved over to the shoulder of the road, then over onto the grass in which he proceeded to roll his truck over!! I said "Well S#@* I had better stop and check on him". So I went trotting (I don't run) back and as I approached his truck, he was climbing out. I asked the driver if he was ok, then I asked him what in the world was he doing passing me then pulling over only to roll his truck?!?!
He responded by saying ..................................................................
His turn signal stuck :mullet: