those of you that know me on a semi personal basis know why and whats up. I love everyone here and I hate to stay away but it might be best for me to avoid "car stuff" for a while. take care everyone
Take care of you and your family first, cars can always wait. Sometimes it's just nice and relaxing to take a break/switch gears for a while. Take care, and see ya soon.
i don't have a clue what's going on, your facebook statuses confuse me.. but sometimes you need to step back and take care of other things, that much i know.. i hope whatever it is, turns for the better soon. good luck graham!
sorry Chris, dont mean to confuse you. hoping this will get better around here soon.
not hard to do.. never the less, good luck and i hope things turn for the better soon
no chance :( she is gone... and she left me for a 40 year old in arizona.
oh, .. sorry to hear that man.. that's rough :(
My first wife decided while I was over in the Gulf during Desert Storm (for 14 months) she needed more guys in her life. When I got back, it killed me...for a while, and I moved on, with piece of mind knowing that her actions were hers to make, not my fault, and not my responsibility. No matter what we do, we can't take the blame for what another clear thinking adult does. That doesn't make it easy, and it doesn't take away the pain, but it's the truth. You have friends when you need to talk. I'm easy to find. Stay sharp, think before you act, and take care of yourself.
Wishing a fellow Kansan the best. Hang in there.
Thanks buddy
What Vinnie said.
You've only got one life to live, don't waste it being miserable. I know you're sad now, but things will improve (and from the smatterings I've read that you've posted on facebook, it's probably good she's gone for good - nothing makes me sadder than seeing a guy take back a woman that does something like this to him). You loved once, you can love again. There are what, 3.5 billion other women on the planet?
Sorry to see you're going through this. My first wife, well lets just say she was something else. I know the pain you're going through and believe me it get's better. I went through alot with my second wife as well. I'm now on my third marrage and from experience I can honestly say I've never been happier. It might not seem possable at first but you'll find the one you're ment to be with.
I agree with Carm and Jay....i too had a bad marriage. I was the one who walked away though, but not to hook up with someone else. It'll get better....if I'm to guess, sooner rather than later ;)
After my first marriage, I made it a point not to get really close with anyone. I stayed single for three years. I needed to make sure I was happy living alone first. That way, I knew it wasn't a rebound thing, and if I could be happy alone, then I could be true to myself about the feelings I had for someone else, and not those "I just don't want to be alone" feelings.
Good advice Graham. Hang in there buddy. :)
Something else you may not realize right now. It took me a while to see it for myself but when I was with that person I was miserable myself. I couldn't see it then because I didn't anything different. But Now that I know what happiness is I know how miserable I was.
The wife just left me in may. Still don't know why, and we have two kids together now. Hang in there. You'll find out who your freinds really are pretty quick.
I didn't marry the mother of my kids, and personally it was the best choice I could have made. I knew I was miserable, I didn't know the extent. Even with short-lived relationships since then it's still easier emotionally to not have to deal with that. Being a single parent with two kids is hard. I know you'll end up battling with her about the kids. Life isn't ever easy or fair.
I am going to try to get my kids. First thing I am going to request is that we go through marriage counsling. I don't think we are that far apart, unless there is something she is hiding from me.
I will not settle for at least joint. Goodluck, if you ever need someone to talk to, let me know.
thank you guys, I really appreciate it all. I think there might be some hope but I dont really know... she talks to me calmly like she has never done before and it seems like she wants to work things out but then she says she cant because "she cant let go of the past" its really confusing me and is like riding a roller coaster of emotions.
Go through counsling while you are still talking, and give each other spacer. If you cannot trust your spouse with anything, then it will not work. If you can get back to the point of trusting each other, it could go a long way.
I wish I would have signed us up as soon as she left.
Also remember, time heals all wounds, reguardless of which way it ends up going.
women are an emotional roller coaster, period. i had a constant on-off 4 year relationship with my most recent ex.. all the heartbreak and BS taught me 1 thing, work on cars more often.. lol
seriously though, it's good that the 2 of you are at least communicating.. my buddy josh doesn't communicate with his wife very well and she walks all over him.. communication is just as important as trust in any relationship
haystack, are you wanting me to ask her to go to counseling with me?
With counseling, who knows what can happen. Sadly, some people do make bad mistakes that they truly do wish to make amends for. Counseling may be able to shed light on issues that need to be addressed and can, at times, make relationships stronger, although there were bad times in the past. It has to be mutual.
Yeah, vinnie hit it on the head. The second her freinds and family get involved, they are going to egg on the divorce and tell horror stories and convince her to talk to you as little as possible.
Long story short, if you want to make it work again, go all in and see if it will happen or not.
If its not working, cut your losses and get on with your life. I'm not tryin to be rude, but as soon as courts and family get involved, it will never be the same again.
this is exactly what I have come to tonight, she pretty much killed anything I had for her. took her some things and she asked if I wanted to come inside and eat and all was well until she snuck off to the kitchen and call the douche bag. I got up and walked out.
Go and find yourself. And you will then find yourself happy and content.
Sounds as though she may have pretty much made her mind up of what she wants.... Sorry to hear about what you're going through, I can't imagine how tough it must be....Hang in there buddy.
Good luck guy. Anything you need let us know.
can anyone give me advice on how to sleep? I havent slept alone in about 4 years and its just not working. I hate it I hate all of this....... :(
The sleep part won't be easy for a while. I had to find that rest and sleep are two different things. Rest, about an hour before you go to sleep. I used music. Something easy to listen to, calming, and used ear buds so there were no noises but the music, and just let everything go. Not easy in your situation,though. Your mind probably isn't thinking of anything else, which is understandable. It'll be a re-training of your brain. It took a long time to get used to the life you have, and it'll take time to adapt to different routines. Read a book. I am not an avid reader, but when you read a book, no pictures, your brain has to occupy itself by taking in what messages your eyes are sending, and understanding those messages.It's a quiet distraction. During the waking hours, early, work on the car. Stay mildly busy. It gives your thought process something else to do. Idle time can really wear you out. You naturally think of all of this every minute of every day, and that will literally, physically, wear you down. Find the things that make you happy, surround yourself with positive things, positive people, and start making your life what you need it to be. Don't wait for anyone else, start changing things for yourself in a positive way. It probably wouldn't hurt to start looking at her as a "friend" (trust me here), so that, 1.you can keep things functional between you two for the kids and so that constant hatred or dislike doesn't make every single time you have to talk a challenge, and 2. it'll make moving forward a lot easier. No, you don't have to like what is happening, but you do have to accept that things are as they are. If you can accept it (I'm not saying agree),you'll find peace a lot faster. Learn to live and be happy and get along without a significant other, then you'll be ready for someone who who will treat you as you deserve to be treated.
Well said Vinnie, I immersed myself in working on the Sport to keep my mind busy. Listened to the radio alot and got lost in the music. I also talked to my doctor about how I was feeling, even before the breakup and she gave me a prescription that helped alot. I found that I wasn't happy before we split, and now I'm beginning to get better and better. Just don't beat yourself up over everything, it isn't all your fault, no matter what anyone thinks it was mutual. Things will get better, might take awhile but it will. Just hang in there.
i think vinnie was a shrink in a past life :p but i definitely agree with sinking into a project.. it's good for the soul and when you've got music playing, it's very easy to get lost in what you're doing.. plus i remember seeing a rod bearing on facebook that wasn't too prettty, so there's a good project to get into lol
I wasn't a shrink, but I did take a lot of psych in college as well as working with veteran's with PTSD and other issues, plus other things daily for what seems to be forever (last 18 years or so). I've learned what works most of the time, how to deal with people in most cirspoogestances.
I just want to add alcohol will not help at this time in your life , I know it hadn't been mentioned but I wanted to throw it out there .
couldn't agree more.. i quit drinking almost completely.. i'll drink a little smirnoff ice once in a while, but not enough to even get buzzed.. life is much better without alcohol
I can honestly say, I've never drank any alcohol beverage. Never even had a desire to try it.
if i could go back in time, it'd be the same for me.. it does nothing but tear you apart and make you miserable
she is gone, and I am done trying and wasting my time. all of this is just a sick game in her head.
sounds like the perfect oportunity to get more involved in car stuff.
keep you occupied on something you enjoy.
if I could get my head clear enough to work on my car that would be no problem, but this vast nothingness here at home is very unmotivational.
Focus Grasshopper. Focus on today. Not yesterday. Do all you can with the day ahead of you. The past will keep you from moving forward. The future isn't here yet. Today is what you need to work on. Rent a couple of good movies, get a book, some new CD's (not slow soft music, but something that makes you want to move),make SURE you're eating right (yes, it really does matter), and maybe, join a gym. Since I joined mine, I've had energy I forgot I used to have, plus, it's a good release of whatever emotions you need to get out of you.
Now Grasshopper, when you can c00ch pebble from my hand, you will be free.
Well bro, it sucks, but these things happen. I can assure you, there is another woman out there that is better for you than her. You dont think so, you say? She is the bees knees, you say? Well take a look at these figures.
The U.S. Census Bureau announced today that the 2010 Census showed the resident population of the United States on April 1, 2010, was 308,745,538.
Lets assume that now, there are still 300 million people in the good ol' USA. Out of that 300 million we will say 100 million are women. (In the world today there are more women than men, but I couldnt find the exact figures for the USA, so we will play it safe by saying 100 million.) Out of those 100 million, its safe to say that at least 30 million are single and between the ages of 18-80yrs old. Out of those 30 million single women ranging from 18-80yrs old, split up evenly in 10yr brackets (18 and 19 will be included in the 20's bracket) That would equal 5 million single women within 10yrs of your age. Just to give you an idea, there are only 2.8 million people in Kansas.
So out of these 5 million single women in your age bracket in the USA... There has to be one thats better for you than the one that left. Hope that helps with positive thinking. You would be surprised what positive thinking can do for you in a situation like this.
I started to eat so much better after I moved back in with my family. In two months I gained about 35 pounds. At 6'5", there is no way I could be healthy at 165lbs. You need to remove yourself from the situation and do what is right for you. As far as the kids go, buy diapers, buy clothes, but do not give out any money.
I love you guys :)
Hey, we're family, and generally prove it one way or another all the time. We've all said it, this forum is the best one I've ever seen, closer than any other I've been apart of bar none. You have friends here when you need them, and I'm easy to find if you need anything.
Thanks Vinnie, you are awesome :)
what vinnie said.. the fox bird/cat community is more like a family than a bunch of guys talking about cars and starting bs.. they say the grass is always greener on the other side.. this site IS the other side ;)
Yes, but the other side of "WHAT"? Hmmmmm.................
Vinnie said it right Graham. I had to keep positive through all the BS I put up with after breaking up with my kids' mother. Since then it's been nothing but a constant battle. Notice how the Cougar all of a sudden has wheels, exhaust and a hood? How I have a T-Bird now with alot of spare parts? I play video games, music and work on my cars to keep me busy. Plus I have my two boys to keep me running around too, but I had to keep myself busy and doing stuff I loved for anything to get better. I've even been in relationships since, even though I was screwed over it reassured me that there are more women out there. Best thing to do is worry about you, the kids, and making sure those two things have the best they can and are happy. Things fall in place after that. I learned that the hard way.
I eat constantly, I'm 6'4" at 155lbs. I have an extremely fast metabolism.
When I was 19 I weighed 245 and felt pretty good about myself. I am thinking about joining a gym.
Nathan, you make me very proud. she came in today to get the kids and started looking around and rambling off things that she thinks she should be able to take. I looked at her told her she isnt taking anything and said that I am only going to discuss the kids with her and that it was her choice to walk out on our family.
Exactly! Way to go, man. Be nice, but not weak.
the FoMoCo hill i suppose lol
stay strong graham, don't let her take a thing.. she walked out and gave up her rights to anything in the house. until a judge or cop tells you otherwise.. lol
Good for you Graham! When my second wife came to get her stuff I agreed to let her have a few things but the main stuff that she took was only what she came with. Which wasn't much. Stick to it until you're ordered to do differently.
Say what you mean.....
Mean what you say.....
But don't say anything mean.
today went down bad also. she called the cops and made a report that I did some things and they refused to let me have my girls. they meaning the ex and her family... I did get through to legal aide and I have a claim started with them. Also I have been working on becoming closer to the lord and making peace with him :)
One day at a time. Perhaps you and her need to sit and talk and make plans. If it means giving up a few things, and it helps keep things sociable, then so be it. It's just stuff. You two may need a middle person. Legal aide is a smart move to protect yourself,though. If she's leaving, and you're staying, then all you really need to concern yourself with are the kids. sad stuff all around, and the kids suffer more than people realize. They shouldn't be used as leverage, but a=often are. Stay strong, and get with legal aide to get your stuff started.
my buddy brian went through this.. his ex accused him of molesting and beating his kids.. luckily his son is old enough to speak in court and he told the judge his mother was 'a hypocritical, bond faced lying puppies.' women pull this.. .. all the time and a lot of them get away with it.. the justice system is bullspit anymore, they always believe everything a women says unless the guy in question has hard evidence against it
well since she took 2 of my cell phones I called and had those two turned off. sucks to be her
Change the locks to the house asap if she's gone already.
who's name is the phone plan on? if it's solely your name, good man.. i'm sure she'll bring it up in court, if you go in front of a judge.. it'll backfire on her HARD if she tries bringing it up.. it's technically theft.. but i definitely agree with vinnie, change the locks or else she'll try getting in the house when you're not home and take whatever she wants to retaliate for the phones
Her taking your kids is considered to be kidnapping, without your say. Get a temporary custody done, before she can get a restraining order against you.
Sad thing is, they will believe her over you, until they find out what she is made of. You need to keep thinking everything through before you make a move. And do what's best for the kids, even if she ends up with what that may be. Good luck.
well I tried again to see my kids and she refused again saying that if I dont give her the truck I cant see them, so I went to the police station and attempted to talk to them about it and see what I could do and they arrested me for the claims that she made yesterday.... $1500 later I am out and trying to figure out my next move. I havent seen my girls since wednesday :( I dont know when I will get to see them again.
That sucks! I'm sorry she's acting like she is. I think your best bet at this time is to get an attorney. Tell him everything that's happened. You might even be able to file suit against her for false accuations which led to your arrest. It may be expencive but I really think it would be in your best interrest.
Sue the police department. I can't belive they would do that. They are your kids too and she has no right to them that you don't. Sorry.
That sounds like our wonderful justice system for ya, I really hope things work out for the better
I can't tell you what to do. I myself would get a lawyer, like yesterday and get the ball moving.
I feel your pain. you do need a good lawyer though. my ex and i split up almost 3 yrs ago and now finally i'm starting to become happy again. she tried all that $h!t with me and now i have what fl calls residential custody, which is almost unheard of here. they get caught in their lies and justice does prevail. I PROMISE!!!
My mom was nuts, did the same thing to my dad. There was 6 kids under 18 and my dad got all of us, but it took about 3 years. Get a lawyer. Were not going to help much.
Hold strong buddy. I can't say I know what you're going through but I can say from experience that women have the potential to be truly evil at times. Good luck, I really hope it doesn't get any worse.
I haven't posted much here for a couple of years since I retired my Cat, but so far everybody is correct. I've seen this happen to a few of my friends over the years and here's my advice: Change all the locks, lock the windows, lawyer up first thing tomorrow morning and don't give any more info out here. Sounds hard, but if the soon to be ex finds this thread, she will find a way to twist it around to use against you. Also document EVERYTHING, no matter how trivial. It sounds like she's gonna try to rake you over the coals to get anything she wants.
She has made it plain that she's gonna play hardball, so mentally prepare yourself for a war, 'cause that what she's gonna do. Once you have a GOOD divorce lawyer, call her or have your lawyer call her and tell her that ANY AND ALL correspondence between the two of you MUST go through your lawyer, then DON'T speak to her, don't answer her calls or e-mails, forward everything to your lawyer. She may even try to play nice and offer to settle out of court, DON'T FALL FOR THIS! Believe me, I've seen it happen too many times and seen my friends lose EVERYTHING because they thought she had a change of heart.
She made her choice, now its time for you to do the same. You seem to realize that the relationship is over, and that's a good thing. No matter what you are going through inside, appear firm and inflexible to her. Give her nothing! To quote an old negotiation saying: "what's mine is mine, what's yours is negotiable". Give out NO information and do nothing to or for her unless ordered to by the courts. Never forget, she's made this into a war and unless you want to lose everything including your kids, you had better do the same.
Now, (as I take off my Mr.hard-ass jacket) I feel for ya. I've been married 29 years (yes to the same woman :)), but as I've said before I have had many friends go through the same thing over the years. It's rough, but you've been given some good advice as far a s keeping yourself and your mind busy. I hope things work out for the best as far as you are concerned.
if that is the result of your situation, it will be worth it in the end. He is good.