General => Lounge => Topic started by: 50tbrd88 on July 29, 2010, 06:53:19 PM
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: 50tbrd88 on July 29, 2010, 06:53:19 PM
Guys this is a personal topic but something that has been overtaking my thoughts lately. My wife and I have been trying to get a little one coming for about 2yrs now and have had a lot of problems. Turns out my wife has some "female problems". The Dr's had her on some meds that were supposed to make her ovulate. This went on for a few months to no avail.
We went in and they did some more tests and told us that we were young and should be able to have kids...not to worry. So off we go for more tests and an ultrasound this week thinking that the next step would result in something good.
The ultrasound turned out some bad news...my wife has some fairly serious cysts on her ovaries that may really hurt our chances of concieving. Turns out the meds she was on for 3 months can increase the chances of getting cysts. Of course all she wants in life is to be a Mom and at this juncture I am ready too. Our parents are not getting any younger and we would love to be able to bless them with grandkids. She is emotionally just a mess and tends to worry about things anyway so this has been a very rough week for us.
Another kicker to this is that my wife's insurance (she usually has excellent insurance for us since she works at a hospital) will NOT cover fertility treatments.
The next procedure we will have to go through runs $1800-$2000 a pop and the Dr said it may take 2-3 tries IF the cysts can be shrunk somehow. (they put her back on birth control for a month to see if that works)
The next step after that is invetro...and I hear that runs $15000 or more. No way we want to spend that type of money right now. I have already threatened to sell the Mustang if we have to (geez that would suck).
Its just frustrating because we would LOVE to have a kid but we see people daily that are druggies, trashy, etc and treat their kids like . Just the other day I saw a POS guy at Walmart get 2'' from his little 3 yr old girls face and yell at her...I wanted to "correct" him and teach him not to take his kids foregranted.
Just wondering if anyone else has had this problem and could offer any words of wisdom. I guess it shows how 'close' we are all at this forum if I feel comfortable bringin' this up.
Thanks for listening.
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: bigbada1 on July 29, 2010, 09:12:32 PM
Your story sounds all to familair to me. My wife and I tried for several years. She got pregnant once and miscaried. Went through the drugs you spoke of with no luck then when we were at a point that we were giving up the natural way and actually had appoitments setup with the fertility doc and low and behold a week before her fertility app she ended up pregnant. 9 mo later came my little girl. went through the same thing when we wanted to have another and once we had given up and decided that my girl would probably be our only child she wound up pregnant again this time with my little boy whe has had one other miscarrage since my son was born and we have decided that we cannot handle loosing another so we are very blessed with the two we have and will not be having any more. I guess our good fortune came to us when we had finally given up. Keep your head up thing will work out.
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: jandmmustangs on July 29, 2010, 09:58:29 PM
I honestly hope it works out for ya. The wife and I tried and there are some problems so its isnt going to happen for us. We've become the super cool aunt and uncle for our friend's kids. I wish you the best of luck and remember, trying is 1/2 of the fun.
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: Bob on July 29, 2010, 10:16:23 PM
Lots of luck as well, we have friends that are trying to have a second baby with invetro.. And they are on there 4th try and it's putting them in a difficult situation, so bad that they now miss mortage payments and have exhausted retirement accounts and savings so if I was to give some advice I'd say don't get obsessed with it.. If you try it and it doesn't take some things just aren't meant to be.
There's always adoption and foster parenting as well.. It would probally be the biggest gift you could ever give another human being... Love and hope when they are all alone and need it the most
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: CoogarXR on July 29, 2010, 11:27:50 PM
x2 on the adoption... Then, once you have adopted, and all of the stress over conceiving is gone, you will conceive. That's how it goes. It seems like people who are ready, and want to get pregnant- can't. And when you give up or whatever, it happens.
Seriously, relax. Ever hear that old saying "a watched pot never boils"? There's too much stress in trying. Stress makes women's junk malfunction.
Try prayer too. If it's meant to be, it'll happen.
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: Cad-T-Bird 500 on July 30, 2010, 12:34:37 AM
I'm sorry to say this but just let it be and be happy you have a wonderful marriage. It is not her fault that she cannot have kids and you will still have a wonderful life with or without kids. The last thing I would suggest is to spend a bunch of money trying. If you are going to spend the money adoption is not a bad idea.
JandMMustangs has the right idea; just be happy who you are.
My two cents.
TED
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: Beau on July 30, 2010, 02:45:11 AM
Those are all very good points, and should be taken to heart. I was raised in a not so happy, not so great place until I was 13/14, moved back in with my dad to finish high school, etc.
I was 31 years old, recently divorced, met Nicole...and literally 2 months later she told me I was going to be a father.
Not saying this to rub it in...but even I was starting to wonder if I'd ever get to the point in my life of being a parent.
Cole will be 2 this coming Thanksgiving, and Annika is 5 and half months now. Not a day goes by when I leave for work I wish I could have just 10 more minutes to spend with 'em...
I really hope that you guys can have what you want... And it is too often true...the shiznitty parents who take their youngin's for granted. I know what I'd really love to do to some of 'em. :beatyoass:
I will say this in closing...it takes more patience and understanding than you'll ever know you have...but there is nothing more worthwhile. Nothing.
And in case you're wondering, if my ex-wife had carried to full term, I'd have an 11 year old, and a seven year old. I've come to terms with that, and past the regrets...and I take one day at a time, and I learn more as each day comes. Children are truly a gift...and I'm hoping and praying that you'll get your gift soon. :D:bowdown:
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: Cougar8775 on July 30, 2010, 07:24:36 AM
hey im in the same boat as you are. Me and my wife have been trying for 3 yrs to no avail. and we are trying everything. But im unsure if it will work out for us.
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: crystal on July 30, 2010, 08:51:24 AM
I'm with everyone on the relax route. I know, much easier said than done but that seems to be when it happens for everyone. I'm not sure how young you guys are but I'd hold off on drastic measures if at all possible. Sometimes it's a whole lot of stress and money for nothing more than heartache and medical problems.
My friends in Ohio were having trouble for years, they finally "gave up" and they have a beautiful 3 yr old daughter now. My dad was adopted because my grandparents couldn't have kids and then after adopting him they had 3 of their own.
And like other people said there's always adoption and fostering. There's plenty of ways you can have kids in your life if it doesn't work out.
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: 50tbrd88 on July 30, 2010, 09:12:52 AM
Thanks for all the kind words guys. My wife and I have both agreed that we will not let this become a financial burden for us. If we get to a point where we think it might become a danger to our stability, then we will just move on.
Its easy to say "take it easy" or "just let it happen when it happens", but try telling that to a woman who wants nothing more than to be a Mom.
We've already talked about options if we can't be parents. We are both very unsure on the adoption idea. I have friends at work who have adopted and are as happy as can be, but I also have friends who have adopted and the kids ended up having lots of problems. But, you can have your own kid and they can be born with problems too so there is really no good argument there.
Getting married and having kids is just a natural progression of things. We are really just ready for it to happen but as some of you said, God has a plan and his schedule sometimes is a little different than what you had in mind. Maybe we will be older parents...
Thanks and keep us in your prayers guys.
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: Cougar8775 on July 30, 2010, 09:49:54 AM
Quote
Its easy to say "take it easy" or "just let it happen when it happens", but try telling that to a woman who wants nothing more than to be a Mom.
I know all to well on that one. Thats all she has been wanting since we go married 3 yrs ago. But yeah i want kids too so... But right now where were at she will need surgery to correct what is wrong. And even then there is no garentee that we still can have kids.
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: 50tbrd88 on July 30, 2010, 11:24:35 AM
Quote from: Cougar8775;329992
I know all to well on that one. Thats all she has been wanting since we go married 3 yrs ago. But yeah i want kids too so... But right now where were at she will need surgery to correct what is wrong. And even then there is no garentee that we still can have kids.
I feel your pain. We are starting to accept the fact that there is a chance it may never happen for us. Its not the end of the world, but it does suck.
It also sucks that most insurance won't cover fertility treatments...but I guess I can see why they won't. Why would they want to pay for something that in the end will just cost them more in claims.
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: Cougar8775 on July 30, 2010, 11:38:43 AM
yeah i here ya. As of right now we are bout 5 grand in the hole from everything we have been going through. But we have looked into adoption and foster. So we are unsure of what to do.
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: thesoldan on July 30, 2010, 11:49:24 AM
I know exactly how you feel man. We've been trying for over 2 years and just had the ultrasound this week to find out my wife also has serious internal stuff going on that most likely will need surgery. Our insurance does not cover infertility treatments either. I've got my Cougar for sale right now. This issue isn't the main factor in me selling, but it was the final straw for me to have to let it go.
I definitely feel you on the "just let it happen stuff." My wife has said the next person who tells her to just relax is going to get punched in the face. Facebook is the bane of her existence as every day one of her friends or old classmates posts that they are pregnant (or pregnant again). It's like watching a train wreck, it makes you so upset but you just can't turn away.
The situation sucks, but it's good to know that you're not the only one going through it (though it often feels like it). I'll keep ya in my prayers as well. We all need it.
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: 50tbrd88 on July 30, 2010, 10:29:56 PM
Quote from: thesoldan;329997
I know exactly how you feel man. We've been trying for over 2 years and just had the ultrasound this week to find out my wife also has serious internal stuff going on that most likely will need surgery. Our insurance does not cover infertility treatments either. I've got my Cougar for sale right now. This issue isn't the main factor in me selling, but it was the final straw for me to have to let it go.
I definitely feel you on the "just let it happen stuff." My wife has said the next person who tells her to just relax is going to get punched in the face. Facebook is the bane of her existence as every day one of her friends or old classmates posts that they are pregnant (or pregnant again). It's like watching a train wreck, it makes you so upset but you just can't turn away.
The situation sucks, but it's good to know that you're not the only one going through it (though it often feels like it). I'll keep ya in my prayers as well. We all need it.
My god I wish my wife would quit going on Facebook for just that reason. Just when she gets over being upset she logs onto Facebook and see's all her friends pregnant or with kids.:punchballs:
I am sure my wife is tired of hearing "just relax", etc because she knows she has as you put "serious internal stuff going on". Its really hard for my parents/grandparents to understand why we don't have kids yet. That is very hard as well. Seems like every time we have a get together, my 80 yr old grandparents bombard us with questions!
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: Blck85TBirdV8 on August 02, 2010, 02:34:58 AM
I know how ya'll feel. My wife has the same exact problems mentioned. We just went to the drs last week and he gave her some meds to try. My prayers are with all of you.
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: jkirchman on August 03, 2010, 11:07:24 AM
Quote from: 50tbrd88
try telling that to a woman who wants nothing more than to be a Mom
This kind of threw me for a loop. From reading all of your posts on the matter, it seems that you are getting some pressure from parents and grandparents to have kids. A lot of times they don't realize how deep an effect their comments can have. So perhaps telling them to cool it for a bit would help lower the stress levels if they are still making comments about it.
Also, I haven't heard you mention how old you and your wife are, but it might be better to just hold off on things for a bit and stop trying to hard to make something happen. Sometimes things just do not work out according to the way we want them to, no matter how badly we want those things to come about.
Both of you should just take a break from it and stop obsessing about it. Admit to yourselves that it may never happen, no matter how badly you might want it to. Facintg the truth and saying it out loud can make a big difference. And have that talk with the parents/grandparents if you haven't already.
Societal pressures, the whole "having kids is the next thing to do after you get married" thing, can also put a lot of stress on a marriage. Just enjoy being married and let things be for a while. Take a few steps back and catch your collective breath. Really buttstuffyze your attitude and the way you're handling everything and try to make positive changes. Stress can cause multiple physical problems. Your inability to have a child on schedule and the stress related to that may actually be part of the reason you haven't been able to have a child on schedule.
Finally, admit to yourselves that you may never be able to conceive. Face that possible truth. Think about what your lives would be like if you never had children. Try to remain positive, and have faith.
Who knows? There may be a kid out there right now who needs a mom and dad more than anything in the world. And you may end up being the parents she needs when you adopt her in the future and change her life completely.
In any case, I pray that you and your wife will be able to get through this difficult time and that you will continue to love and support one another, no matter the outcome.
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: 50tbrd88 on August 03, 2010, 12:05:43 PM
Quote from: jkirchman;330547
This kind of threw me for a loop. From reading all of your posts on the matter, it seems that you are getting some pressure from parents and grandparents to have kids. A lot of times they don't realize how deep an effect their comments can have. So perhaps telling them to cool it for a bit would help lower the stress levels if they are still making comments about it.
Also, I haven't heard you mention how old you and your wife are, but it might be better to just hold off on things for a bit and stop trying to hard to make something happen. Sometimes things just do not work out according to the way we want them to, no matter how badly we want those things to come about.
Both of you should just take a break from it and stop obsessing about it. Admit to yourselves that it may never happen, no matter how badly you might want it to. Facintg the truth and saying it out loud can make a big difference. And have that talk with the parents/grandparents if you haven't already.
Societal pressures, the whole "having kids is the next thing to do after you get married" thing, can also put a lot of stress on a marriage. Just enjoy being married and let things be for a while. Take a few steps back and catch your collective breath. Really buttstuffyze your attitude and the way you're handling everything and try to make positive changes. Stress can cause multiple physical problems. Your inability to have a child on schedule and the stress related to that may actually be part of the reason you haven't been able to have a child on schedule.
Finally, admit to yourselves that you may never be able to conceive. Face that possible truth. Think about what your lives would be like if you never had children. Try to remain positive, and have faith.
Who knows? There may be a kid out there right now who needs a mom and dad more than anything in the world. And you may end up being the parents she needs when you adopt her in the future and change her life completely.
In any case, I pray that you and your wife will be able to get through this difficult time and that you will continue to love and support one another, no matter the outcome.
#1 we are not obsessing about it. Worried? Yes. And it is on our minds because she has been through a lot with this. She has legitimate health problems (very large cysts) that could decrease her odds of ever getting pregnant. I am glad we found this out now because the longer it goes on, the more it could hurt our chances. I am hopeful that the Dr's can get this sorted out soon and get us pointed in the right direction. We are 28 yrs old and both feel we are at the right age to start having kids. We don't want to start having kids at age 35...
#2 We are getting NO pressure from anyone to have kids. I just think it would be nice to bless our parents and grandparents with grandkids. Our families are very close on both sides and yes they do ask about it, but that is pretty understandable considering we have been married for a few years. I feel it is a perfectly resonable question for them to ask us...it just sucks because we are trying to make things happen and really don't want them to know about the trouble we are having.
#3 we have a very happy marriage. My wife is my best friend. I don't feel like you are right in saying "take a break from it". NOW is the time to do something about it. If we sit around and wait a few years, it may be too late due to more female problems, etc. If anything this whole ordeal has made us stronger as a couple.
#4 We have both talked at length about the possibility that we can't have kids. We have both accepted it and while it sucks and we hope we do have kids, we realize its not the end of the world.
Its so easy for people to sit back and tell someone to relax or "you are stressing yourself out". Well hell yes we are worried about it. Wouldn't you be?
Why sit on our asses and do nothing about it when there are doctors and medical procedures out there which can help? If I can spend a little money to do something to help us have a kid, I am going to do it (within reason). I feel spending some money for that reason is money that is better invested than in dumping it into cars, hobbies, etc.
If it gets to the point of financial burden we will move on. In fact, we both agree we probably will not do invetro if it comes to that.
In case you can't tell, I am done hearing the "just relax" shiznit. lol.
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: Cougar8775 on August 03, 2010, 01:35:23 PM
lol ive heared it all too. But my wife has a double wammy. she has endo and pcos. So basically its never going to happen for me and her. But she hasent given up trying though.
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: jkirchman on August 03, 2010, 04:34:59 PM
Sorry man. I was under the impression that you were asking for advice and opinion. So I contributed. Didn't expect it to be broken down into pieces and individually denied and rejected. Just sending out my thoughts on the subject. Next time you ask, I'll know not to bother.
Quote from: 50tbrd88
Well hell yes we are worried about it. Wouldn't you be?
I think it is obvious from what I wrote that I would try not to be.
Quote
She has legitimate health problems (very large cysts) that could decrease her odds of ever getting pregnant.
Didn't you say they thought the medication she was on, which she was taking in an attempt to increase her chances of pregnancy, are what made that problem worse?
If you want to keep all this from your close families on both sides for whatever reason, then that could be adding to the stress. But far be it from me to suggest such a thing.
You just keep doing what you're doing now. Talk to the doctors about your options and do whatever it takes to have a child. Don't take no for an answer and whatever you do, don't relax.
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: irv on August 03, 2010, 05:34:54 PM
kids are overrated. they grow up cost money, get married cost more money, have grandkids, cost more money, and then you have to go to all there games.etc, etc. i was lucky my daughter was a car nut even when she was younger. i was just trying to lighten things up a little. daughter is 37, grandson is 11-1/2. we now have 2 more kids[cats] named bandit and tj. the best of luck in whatever you decide to do. wouldnt have traded my daughter for anything [maybe another cougar] --irv
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: bike70ride on August 03, 2010, 06:00:32 PM
My wife and I met "late" in life and got married at 34 (her) and 35 (me). She's been a Nanny and taken care of kids most of her life and really wants to have kids of her own. Didn't help that her little sister got married long before she did and has had 2 children (but she's also 8 years younger).
We've been trying (initially very hard by tracking her cycles, basil body temps, etc.) basically since we've been together (5+ years now). We've been to a very well respected fertility doctor locally and did "basic stuff", IUI, and IVF. Nothing has worked. Hardest part is we're diagnosed with "non-specific infertility" as there's no big "A-HA" as to why we can't get pregnant. (Other than age at this point as I turn 40 in September and she will turn 39.)
We haven't "given up", but we're not "really trying" anymore. And this has been really hard for my wife as she's wanted kids since she was a little girl. But, I think she's finally coming to terms with the fact that it's very likely we won't have biological kids of our own (which kinda sucks as that means the end of my family tree as I'm the only boy). But, it is what it is. Sometimes, things are just not meant to be (even though when you see those "deadbeat" parents, you really start to question why they can have kids...).
We're now working on an adoption, and that is a very long involved process as well. I applaud you for not going into financial ruin to have a kid, as it's adifficult decision, but you have to consider your own livelihood and where you'd be IF you sacrifice everything and finally do get it to work, but now you're so far in debt you can't raise the child. (We've already spent over $20K trying ourselves...)
My advice, if you can, try to not stress too much about it. Very hard, I know. Consider other options like adoption and see where that leads.
Good Luck, and we'll pray for you!
Title: Troubles having children
Post by: 50tbrd88 on August 03, 2010, 06:03:12 PM
Quote from: jkirchman;330591
Sorry man. I was under the impression that you were asking for advice and opinion. So I contributed. Didn't expect it to be broken down into pieces and individually denied and rejected. Just sending out my thoughts on the subject. Next time you ask, I'll know not to bother.
I think it is obvious from what I wrote that I would try not to be.
Didn't you say they thought the medication she was on, which she was taking in an attempt to increase her chances of pregnancy, are what made that problem worse?
If you want to keep all this from your close families on both sides for whatever reason, then that could be adding to the stress. But far be it from me to suggest such a thing.
You just keep doing what you're doing now. Talk to the doctors about your options and do whatever it takes to have a child. Don't take no for an answer and whatever you do, don't relax.
I was hoping to get advice from people who had been down the same road we are on right now. Sorry if I came across shiznitty, but this is kind of a big deal for us!