Fox T-Bird/Cougar Forums

Lets here some jokes. I know me and Mikey have some rather "colorful" jokes. We all need some crude humor in life.

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. “Magic Beer,” he says.

She thinks he’s a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, “That isn’t really Magic Beer, is it?”

“Yes, I’ll show you.” He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can’t believe it. “I bet you can’t do that again.” He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, “Give her one of what I’m having.”

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving.  The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police.  A police officer pulled the car over.  A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here.  I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another.  So I  had to swerve to keep from hitting it!"  The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

May I please be excused …
The teacher asked Michael, “If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?”

“Just a minute, I have to go pee”, he said.

The teacher replied, “That would be rude and impolite.

What about you? Paul, how would you say it?

“I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

The teacher responded, “That’s better, but it’s still not very mannerly to say the word ‘bathroom’ at the table.”

“And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners," said the teacher.

I would say, “Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.”

The teacher fainted.

cougrrr302 walks into a crowded room and belts out, "I'M EMO!"  Then he walks back out.

Sadly, this story is true.

Wow!!!

(http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb105/cougrrr302/1188483109_m.jpg)

Italian Boy’s Confession

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl”.

The priest asks, “Is that you, Johnny Parisi?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa Volpe?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
"4 months vacation and five good leads.”

(http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r9/84fila/pics%20and%20funnies/emosvc2.jpg)
(http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r9/84fila/pics%20and%20funnies/rippytherazorud8.jpg)

(http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r9/84fila/pics%20and%20funnies/emo2.jpg)
(http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r9/84fila/pics%20and%20funnies/emolawnlg3.jpg)

Drop it on the counter

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one, and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark sunglasses.

She says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind, but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB test line. It’s a good all around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!” As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell who it was.

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused. “Didn’t you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

“Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

Mickey and Mini wanted to get a divorce.  Mickey was talking to his lawyer and the Lawyer said “Mickey, I don’t think your defense will hold up in court.

Mickey said “what do you mean?”

The lawyer said "we had our shrink check her out and he will not testify in court that she is crazy.  He said that he cannot find anything wrong with her."




Mickey said “I never told you she was crazy, I told you she was f***ing Goofy.

A man was taking a leak at a friend’s house and after he was finished he turned around and notices that his friend’s daughter was starring at him.

Embarrass he ask her if she saw anything?

The little girl looked at him and said she had and that “my daddy has two of those”

Your daddy has two of them?

Yes, one that he goes to the bathroom with like you did.





And one that he brushes mommy’s teeth with.

Kudos man... the 2ed one almost made me die drinking a Mt dew when I read it.

Potentially and Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?”

The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he’d sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”

So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?”

The mother replied, “Of course I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?”

“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million could buy?”

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”

The boy replied, “Yes, sir. Potentially, we’re sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we’re living with two sluts and a British cigarette.”

Frank graduated first in his class as a very bright engineer.

He designed and help oversee the building of a bridge that everyone said could not be built.

But do they call him Frank the bridge builder? NO.

He design a ship that could carry more cargo, go faster, and got better fuel mileage than anybody ever thought possible.

But do they call him Frank the ship builder?  NO

He designed one of the best passenger airplanes in the world.

But do they call him Frank the plane builder?  NO



But suck one little pen 15 …

I had a dream last night that I died and went to Heaven. As I stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks. I asked St. Peter, "What are all those clocks?"
 
St. Peter answered, "Those are Sin-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Sin-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
 
"Oh", I said. "Whose clock is that?"
 
"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never Sinned."
 
"Incredible, and whose clock is that one?"
 
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told sin twice in his entire life."

And sure enough I looked around and all the people I knew were there; my wife, my coworkers, relatives, and friends; some moved more than others.
 
But there was one clock I did not see and I asked "Where's 84 Fila's clock?"

And St Peter replied




"84 Fila's clock is in Jesus' office... He's using it as a fan!

OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNN

Your gonna need some Aloe Vera. lol. Ive heard that but it was Clinton, not Mikey lol.

Ok here we go.
There is this indian boy that wants to become  a man. In his tribe you have to get laid to become a man. So he heads into the local town and finds the Whouse. He goes inside and talks to the madam. She asked" have you ever done this before? He told her that he had not. So being nice and wanting her customer to get his moneys worth she took him out back and showed him a hole in a tree. She tells him" Practice with this hole today and come back tomorrow and I fix you up with a lady"  "Ok" said the indian. So he went to work with his practice. He comes back the next day and says" Me need woman to get laid so I become MAN" So the madam asked him if he practiced. He told her "YES" So she sent him to the top of the stairs the 1st door on the right. The Indian goes up the stairs and into the room. Within 2-3mins the madam heres all sorts of crying and screaming from her lady. So she runs up the stairs and into the room she sent the indian into. There he is with the hooker bent over his knee smacking her ass over and over. The whole time the hooker is screaming "NO STOP, NO STOP"  The Madam Starts yelling at him" What do you think you are doing?" The Indian reply's 'ME CHECK FOR BEE'S!"

I thought that was a funny one.

NICE!!!! And who burned me.... it was a bit harsh but badass none the less

I know, im just ****in around.

Prepare to be Pun-ished

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Circumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

* A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

* If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A -flat miner.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

* A calendar’s days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those that gets too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

* When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.


(Fila runs for cover from the angry mob)

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?

Because she was a woman.




Did you know Helen Keller had a Dollhouse?

Neither did she.




Im not shagist, but they are kinda funny.

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my pen 15" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans pen 15. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.    :toilet:

3 men went to hell.

The devil said to them You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shiznit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."    :punchballs:

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth  "It's called shagual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called shagual intercourse It's called Bunk Beds.  And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee season opener sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.

At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head. The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was at the unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner on down to the bat boy. "

Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Okay, if that's what the people want."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming! "I'll kill you! You Mother *%$%**!!!."

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

Bill leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing his agent has gone totally pale, Bill asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first 'Pitch'

A chicken, a horse, and a harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom were best friends and loved to play together. One day as the two were playing the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail. The farmer had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s Harley, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and when the farmer returned he was none the wiser. The friendship between the two animals was cemented forever: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment - then walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “crank” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a harley to pick up chicks!

Two brothers were opening gifts on Christmas Day. The younger brother had 20 presents, and the older only 1.

The younger brother points at his brother laughing and says, "haha you only have 1 present"

The older brother points at his brother laughing and says, "HAHA you have cancer"

I can't belive how wrong that is....... it's funny as hell though

Clean can be funny




      One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very shagy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do
anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

  *****************************************
  A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway,
and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
lungs," Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
 The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach
stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'


  ********************************************
  Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always
right, and the other is a husband.

    *************************************
 A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician
showed him a card with the letters  'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'  'Can
you read this?' the

optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

    ***********************************************
 Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to
them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent.' Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of
chardonnay.
              ********************************************
  A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her
husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he
said, 'CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO
MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE
are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I
said be CAREFUL!  You NEVER listen  to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are
you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife
stared  at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know
how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to
show you  what it feels like when I'm driving.'

***************************************************************
 Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina  mountain man,
was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the
Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his
hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third
day, the Army
issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

Chilli Cookoff

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

                                Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shiznit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shiznit-faced from all the beer.


Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something sing across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really  me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shiznit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!


Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a  thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shiznit to match my  shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

whats grosser than a hickey on a hemorrhoid?


the guy that put it there.

A blonde wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a handyman- type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?" he replied. The blonde said "How about $50.00 ?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder were in the garage. The man's wife inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes, the blond answered and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats". Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.00 "and by the way the blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari

A rabbi gets in front of his congregation and says that he is leaving to go to a larger congregation that can pay him more.

There is a hush—no one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a minivan to transport their children!" The congregation applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay, I'll personally double his salary, and also will establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" The congregation cheers again.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him shag!" There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead in the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.'":tg:

Birthday Present
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be ed if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

A rabi, a bishop and a baptist minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Hunting Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Why men don't write advice columns...

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs.. Sheila Usk
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.

Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

Good thing none of our vehicles have carbs ;)

Careful...you'll be in the doghouse before you even get here! :shakeass:

Two guys walk into a bar.  Third guy ducks.

One pleasant afternoon, a Priest and a Nun were out golfing. The father deferred to the Nun on the first hole, and she hit a nice ball towards the green. The Father tees up, then smacks the ball into the woods.

"Oh, F&!$!!, I MISSED!" he cries.

"Father!" says the Nun, "You should watch your language. The Lord will not like it."

The second hole comes up. The father tees off, and the ball once again goes sailing into the woods.

"Oh, F$#&!!, I MISSED!" he cries.

"Father!" says the Nun, "Watch what you say! It is Blasphemy!"

On the third hole, the father again tees up his ball. Once again, the ball sails wide, this time landing in the water hazard.

"Oh, F@$#!!, I MISSED!" he cries.

As the Nun starts to speak, a great bolt of lightning sails down from the sky and strikes the Nun, reducing her to ash.

From the sky comes a booming voice: "Oh, F@$#!!, I MISSED!"

A black guy, a mexican, and a white guy are all walking down a beach in Miami when they come upon a magic lamp.  A genie pops out and grants each man one wish.  The black guy says "I wish I was back in Africa, happy, with all of my people."  With a poof the man was gone.  The mexican's wish was similar: "I wish I was back in Mexico, happy, with all of my people."  Again, with a poof, the mexican disappears.  The white man thinks for a moment and asks the genie, "Do you mean to tell me that all the blacks and mexicans are out of America?"  "Yea, I guess so," the genie replies.

"Well then I'll have a pen 15e."

Once upon a time, in a place far from here, a team of construction workers were building a highway through a desert.

They came upon a pole sticking out of the ground with a lever, and a sign that said: "Don't touch lever or the planet will explode."

They built a curve around the pole and kept on building, finally completing it.

Many years later, a man named Nathan was driving about 120mph down the highway, when he came to the curve around that pole...he swerved, lost control, and crashed.

Moral of the story: Better Nate than lever.

Please explain why that is funny? :beatyoass:

It shows how the white race is generally racist towards the minority.

lol - I got that ...

what does micheal jackson and k-mart have in common ???      they both have little boys pants half off.....

why did O.J. move to mississippi ???? all the D.N.A. is the same.

Why did they throw out the Paule Jones case ?? Because they couldn't believe that a woman with a 6 inch nose couls suck a 3 inch pen 15

sorry about the mispell, i was being rushed by another tech to use the computer. sorry to any for the language too.

Indian Chief, “Two Eagles,” was asked by a white government official,
“You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars
and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the
damage he’s done.”

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?”

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and
then calmly replied. “When white man find land, Indians running it.
No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean Water; women
did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting
and fishing; all night having shag.”

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. “Only white man dumb enough to
think he can improve system like that.”

Two nuns painting a room didn't want to get paint on their clothes so they stripped naked to paint.

Later there was a knock on the door, with someone calling out "Blind man!!"

The nuns figured if the man couldn't see he wouldn't know they were naked and let him in.

The man walked in and said, "Nice s, where do you want the blinds?"

A duck walks into a drug store and says "Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill."

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Irish home.

 
After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

 
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

 
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

 
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

 
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

 
"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

 
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

 
"And me -- I haven't had shag for 35 years and they still call me 'The ****ing Mexican'!"

this ones been around

A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7.  Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
     
  A half-gallon of 2% milk,       
  A carton of eggs,
  A quart of orange juice,
  A head of romaine lettuce,
  A 2 lb. can of coffee,
  And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

     
      The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
     
      The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
     
      He replies, "Because you're ugly."

I love those ugly jokes. you can say just about anything till the last line

A group of  friends went deer
hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the
hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point
buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

               

                "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a
couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

               

                "You left Henry laying out there and
carried the deer back?" they inquired.

               

                "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But
I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

The owner of a golf course was confused
about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You
graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I
were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

               

                The secretary thought a moment, and then
replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Just remember
"You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone retiring to the North!

Poor Henry - send that nice secretary after him :D

Crack Found on
Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went
Wrong in Jet Crash,
Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of
Debris around Urb-hole?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes
Over
[What a guy!]


Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting
Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for
Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled
Quickly, It May Last
Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London )
Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By
Lightning: Faces
Battery Charge
[he probably IS
The battery charge!]



Astronaut Takes
Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make
Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued
by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds
Dead

          Do NOT lose your grand kids in the Mall!

:hick:

The Poor Tailor and the French Restaurant


Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."

Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"

Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

Fart Football +


An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'

its good. I like it.

While she  was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a Bridge
only to find  a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.  The
cop pulled her  over, walked up to the car, with that classic Patronizing smirk
we all know and  love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm
late for work." 
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a an00s  stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?  A  an00s stretcher?  And just what does a
an00s stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to 
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.  I work  from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely 
stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the  hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked "You give
him a radar gun and  park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court  Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face.......  PRICELESS

The CIA decides that they're getting a little short on field agents, so they start a recruiting campaign. On the first day, three men come in to apply.

They put the three through the standard battery of tests -- physical, mental, psychological, etc. They test their reflexes, ability to think quickly, to think on their feet, to deal with surprise or stress, etc. No test is spared on these men.

Then a final test awaits. The man training them stands outside a closed door and calls the first applicant in.

He hands him a loaded gun. "We're very impressed with your results, and this is the last test you need to pass. Inside that room is your wife. I need you to go in there and shoot her. If you can handle that, we'll approve your application."

"What? I can't kill my wife!" Applicant #1 says, backing away.

"I'm sorry to hear that, but in that case, we can't accept your application." The trainer walks applicant #1 out.

When he calls applicant #2 in and gives the same spiel, he gets much the same response:

"I can't kill my wife; I love my wife!"

The trainer walks applicant #2 out.

He calls applicant #3 in, explains the situation, and awaits his response.

The man looks at him funny, but takes the gun. He opens the door, walks inside, and closes it.

Several muted gunshots ensue. Silence follows, but only for a moment.

Crash! Boom! Smash!

Loud crashes come from behind the door, and possibly sounds of furniture splintering.

Then silence returns, for quite some time.

The door finally opens, and the applicant returns. He hands the trainer the gun.

"That gun you gave me was filled with blanks. I had to choke the bitch!" :beatyoass:

I never quite figured out why the shagual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing shagual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited antition, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having shag tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

Redneck Medical Terms

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat Scan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
an00s......................Darn near killed him.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a
primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the Illustrious Rev. Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
    One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
    No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
    A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
    'I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al, "That's what
we would call a great loss."  The room Goes silent.  No other children
volunteered.
    Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
    Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises His hand. In
a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
    "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
    "Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be
a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.:grinno:

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
 Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?                                 
                                                                           
 Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.                                       
                                                                           
 Older Woman: Oh, I see.                                                   
                                                                           
 Officer: Can I see your license please?                                   
                                                                           
 Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.                     
                                                                           
 Officer: Don't have one?                                                 
                                                                           
 Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.                     
                                                                           
 Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.       
                                                                           
 Older Woman: I can't do that.                                             
                                                                           
 Officer: Why not?                                                         
                                                                           
 Older Woman: I stole this car.                                           
                                                                           
 Officer: Stole it?                                                       
                                                                           
 O! lder Wo man: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.               
                                                                           
 Officer: You what?                                                       
                                                                           
 Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want 
 to see                                                                   
                                                                           
 The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls 
 for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
 slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.                   
                                                                           
 Officer 2: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please! The woman   
 steps out of her vehicle.                                                 
                                                                           
 Older woman: Is there a problem sir?                                     
                                                                           
 Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and   
 murd! ered th e owner.                                                   
                                                                           
 Older Woman: Murdered the owner?                                         
                                                                           
 Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.     
                                                                           
 The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.         
                                                                           
 Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?                                       
                                                                           
 Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.                       
                                                                           
 The officer is quite stunned.                                             
                                                                           
 Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving       
 license                                                                   
                                                                           
 The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it 
 to the officer.                                                           
                                                                           
 The officer examines the license He looks quite puzzled.                 
                                                                           
 Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a 
 license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the 
 owner.                                                                   
                                                                           
 Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.:D

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed........
 "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

chelsy clinton was meeting with some high school students. she finally got around to asking questions the 1st person she picked she asked ' what are your biggest fears for our country the student replied osoma, obahma and your momma

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I
owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article
from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein
you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six
(6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.


Sincerely,


A Satisfied Taxpayer

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins!

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized '. Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!

A Guys New Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before
him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, shagy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her
neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to
order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone."This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble as he'd forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was extremely upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

What sound does a piggy make?

Ok. Theres this teacher right? She likes asking her students stupid questions. Stupid questions like...

Jhonny what sound does a cow make? (Jhonny) Moo Moo!

Kristin what sound does a sheep make? (Kristin) Baah?

Thats right Kristin!

Tommy what sound does a chicken make? (Tommy) Cluck cluck!

Okay Tommy...  What sound does a Pig make? (Tommy) FREEZE!