(Funny bumper-stickers)
CAUTION: Your daughter might be on board
Hang up and drive!
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people: Everybody, But Me."
If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
The proctologist called...they found your head.
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Best post ever!
More informative than some of our recent posts...
WHAT!!?? Surely you don't mean from ME, do ya!!?? :grinno:
Didja hear about the girl that went fishing with seven guys and came home with a big red snapper?
A string walks into a bar.
He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we don't serve strings". So the string leaves.
The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we do not serve strings, please go away."
The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string.
He goes in and asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Hey aren't you that string that's been coming in here all the time."
They string replys "No I'm a frayed knot".
(http://fatal.error.lt/gallery/albums/fatal/game_over.sized.jpg)
(http://s87.photobucket.com/albums/k156/jnds/t-shirts/4.jpg)
2 Irishmen came walking out of a bar..........
Hey, it COULD happen.
A Catholic Priest, A Rabbi and a Baptist Minister walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
--------------------------------
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender freaks out over the talking duck. "Dude, you should join the circus, you'd make a fortune!"
The duck replies, "What's the circus gonna do with a bricklayer?"
------------------------------------
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "You got a drink named Fred?"
LMAO! great!
eh..funny shirts eh?
A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
-------
A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.
“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”
“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”
------
Two condoms walk past a gay bar, the one condom says to the other "Hey wanna go get shiznit-faced?"
------
One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.
Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.
He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."
The next day, Mike came over, they had shag, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."
lmao
In light of deer season:
Two Newfies are hunting when one suddenly has a heart attack and dies. The other calls 911 on his cell phone:
911 Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"
Newfie: "Yes, b'y, my hunting partner just dropped dead and I don't know what to do!"
911 Operator: "Well, first, make sure he's dead"
Newfie: "Ok, hold on"
*a short pause, followed by a single gunshot*
Newfie: "Ok, what next?"
I got another hunting one:
2 guys are out hunting and one has to take a shiznit. He tells his freind this and askes him to go on. After his freind leaves he hangs his ass over a log and goes about his buisness. Meanwhile his freind baggs a deer. He goes back to the camp to find the first guy alseep on the log. he guts the deer and put the guts under the shiznitter. About an hour later the guy wakes up and see's "his" gut beneith him. He goes back to camp walking a little weird and his freind ask's why. The shizniter then replys " man, I feel alseep and while I did I shiznit my guts out. If it weren't for the grace of god and a stick I would have never got them back in"
got lost down the end of this long dirt road, where I stumbled across 2 hicks sitting on a porch. I asked them for directions back to the highway, and they obliged. upon turning around to leave, I turned back and lightly asked, "so what do you do for fun around here?" "We hunt, and we f@#k." was their reply. "Really, what do you hunt?". "Something to f@#k."
sorry dbl post
A little about my shop tools....
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (what wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month-old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly c00ching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2x4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.
What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
Gett'n her out of the wheelchair.
Does everyone remember The Jetsons
You remember the name of the robot maid?
Rosie
You remember the name of their dog?
Astro
You remember the name of that muslim guy?
There was no muslim guy.
Isn't the future WONDERFUL?